This piece consists of several letters in which young people come out to their parents. The letters were collected by the Almaty LGBTQ+ community center.
Dad and mum, I am incredibly happy to have you as my parents who take care of me. I am sorry for being such a horrible freeloader of a son who is unable to support himself because he is still studying. I am sorry that my friends are not the people you’d approve of...
I am sorry I am not the son you wanted. Sometimes, I think because I like men, I do not deserve your love. After all, if you were to find out, you would be very disappointed. But my current boyfriend is very kind, he often cooks for me and he says that my eyes are beautiful, and that I got them from my mum. He also says that I am very smart, just like my dad. He likes it when I read my poems to him and when I spend a lot of time pondering seemingly unimportant subjects. My friends are all very nice decent people, they like listening to stories of my childhood and sharing stories of their own. One of them said once, “I feel thankful to your parents for raising you to be a truly good person.”
Of course, if it were up to you, you would rather have me hanging out with guys closer to my age, those who only speak Kazakh and hold traditional views. But my friends are good people too: they are microbiologists, biotechnologists, artists, teachers, and doctors. Within each one is a whole unique universe to explore. So, thank you for giving me this life and the freedom to live it the way I want. You made me who I am today. With love, your klutz.
Mum, I don’t want to cower and hide from you anymore, so let’s be honest with each other. I want things between us to go back to how they used to be. But I’ve already tried to share my deepest feelings, interests, pains, and joys with you, and, unwittingly, you mocked, dismissed, and even told other people about them.
I understand that readjusting is hard for you, but even though you love me with all your heart, you simply refuse to listen. It hurt a lot when you told my aunt that I’d been crying about my girlfriend. It hurt when you didn’t take my panic attacks seriously. It still hurts that you care that much about what others think of my appearance. And it hurts that you don’t trust me when it comes to my work, always berating me even when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Secretly, I wish I was infertile, if only to avoid you future questions about when I am going to have children. It drives me mad when you say that you are old and about to die, and that soon you are going to need me to be your caretaker. You want me to be responsible for how you live your life. You keep making me feel guilty for what I do or say. Why am I not free to live the way I want? Why should I pretend to like my extended family? Why should I cover my tattoos and hide my piercings? Why can’t I dress however I want? Why can’t I love a person of the same gender or of different nationality? There is a pain in my chest because so much of my life is concealed from you. I’ve really tried to show you how the times have changed and that these days, mental health is important. The current state of our relationship hurts me deeply. I am tired of having to lie and pretend all the time. Please, heed me.
Mum, I love you. You can say that I don’t simply because I leave my jeans on the floor instead of folding them neatly when I come home. If only you knew how many thoughts are racing through my head, you’d understand why I don’t even stop to think about trivialities such as those jeans. But I love you anyway. I used to see our school counselor every day and cry about us not getting along. At the same time, you were telling everybody that we were best friends, so I cried even more. But I love you anyway.
You compare me to my acquaintances and friends. You say they’re doing great, working, studying, and making their parents proud. I want to make you proud too. Whenever I am asked about what motivates me, I always answer that I want you to be proud of me. Everything I do is for you to be proud of me. Because I love you. You keep saying that all of my issues are because I’m lazy. If you only knew how much I work. I work so that one day you may be proud of me. You’ve complimented my pictures and I’ve never heard you say anything nice about my academic achievements. But I still love you, and I am sure that somewhere deep inside you love me back.
You and I, we are very different and you know it. We probably wouldn’t be friends if we were peers. I don’t like your friends and you don’t like mine. And you prevail over me just because you are older. I don’t want it to be like this. Neither you nor me get to choose which people will impact our lives. The people I love aren’t bad or good. They are simply there for me, and they’ve already impacted my life. You say that I met them by pure chance. That they’ve subjected me to propaganda that made me want to prostrate myself before them for the sake of approval. I want you to understand that there are things which I do simply because I feel the need to do them. And even if I do something you disapprove of, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
Someday we will be able to discuss it. Without you shouting and blaming me for everything. Because I love you, and I want you to understand and hear me. You’ve never liked my hobbies. It certainly feels better to brag about your child’s achievements when they’re average and don’t stick out like a sore thumb.
But we are not an average family. I wouldn’t want us to be one. According to you, I am ruining my life. Mum, it can’t be ruined any more than it was two years ago, back when I thought I was going to die. There were nights when I couldn’t because the panic attacks made me think that I was going to die. Neither you nor anyone else talked to me about my issues. My close friend told me that, “There are some things in life you have to face alone.” I did not want that. But you didn’t talk to me and so I kept on crying. Now, I have found people I feel comfortable with. And it doesn’t matter to me they belong to a group that is catastrophically discriminated.
One day the hatred will stop because these people deserve happiness. And if I love them it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I love them because they helped me find the strength to keep going. It is vital for me to have such people in my life. They are good. Please, don’t hate them out of pure prejudice. It is impossible to choose which places and events that will change my life. But if something changes, I want to change along with it.
Please, don’t take this to be youthful naivety. I don’t want to think about dropping out of my university and having to work just because you’re mean to me. Let me make my own choice. I am never going to abandon you, because you are my mother and I love you. If I’m destined to make some mistakes, so be it. I do not want to live like everyone else and be content with things which don’t make me happy. I have already tried that. I wanted to do nothing but please you and have no troubles whatsoever. You know how that turned out. I don’t want to get institutionalized again.
People I’ve talked to about us don’t want to hear me anymore. They all say I should just cut off communication with you and, at long last, move on with my life. They claim that it’s impossible for us to remain on good terms with one another and that I should stop trying to make it happen. And yes, I am probably not the daughter that you dreamed of. But I am who I am and you can’t change me. I want us to understand each other. I want to be able to come home without the threat of you accusing me of something looming over me. I want us to get along. Because you are my mother. And I love you.
Hi mum and dad! I am turning 21 soon and I still couldn’t come out and tell you that I like girls. You know mum, it’s so painful when you ask, “When are you going to get married?”. It is hard, going through a breakup and having to say that I cut off contact with a “friend.” I want to be happy and share my happiness with you, but I know that this is alien to you. Every time you try to play matchmaker and introduce me to some guy my heart hurts because you don’t know the truth. I understand that you love me, but the possibility of you not accepting me as I am is terrifying. I suffer silently and can’t open up even to those who are closest to me — you. I love you...
Hi mum. A couple of months ago, I came home at 10 p.m. You asked me why I was so early. Then, you noticed hickeys on my neck and asked me about them. I just ran away. When you came into my room later, you asked me again. I said, “Mum, I am a grown-up.” You laughed. That time I was with a girl. We were kissing. It was my first date in four years.
You and I are very close, but not close enough for me to come out. I really want to tell you. I want to share stories about my dates, about the girl who took me out for dinner, and about her calling me her “little sunshine.” I want to tell you about my first love. How she broke my heart during my first year at university. How I loved her so much, and how I just couldn’t understand why her texts grew less and less frequent.. I want to cry over her cheating while you hug and comfort me.
All my life you were taking care of me. Eventually you will find out even if I don’t tell you anything. I don’t not know how you are going to react, and frankly, I have no expectations of any kind. I am afraid to argue with you because of your tumor. I am afraid that high blood pressure might affect your health badly. Mum, you should know that I have my own private life, and even if you won’t accept me, I want to be happy. I can’t be happy with a man, however great he might be. I love you but I also love my freedom.
When it comes to being a disappointment, my numerous health issues are already more than enough. However, it just so happened that I am also a lesbian. Unfortunately, that means I can’t rely on my parents’ support. Instead, I turn to strangers, people who aren’t related to me in any way, yet who prove to be far more loving and accepting parental figures.
I am still too young to consider settling down, and I hate it whenever you bring up marriage. How can you insist that I need to be in a relationship when you deny me the freedom to choose my own partners? Ever since I turned 18, all you ever talk about is men. I constantly have to listen to your advice on how to act so that men like me.. I wish you could’ve been just as trustful and understanding as me. Maybe then we could’ve had an open conversation about this, like a true family should. Instead, all I’m thinking about is how to escape.
Mum, I know it is hard for you to accept my short hair, my masculine look and my sexual orientation. I am sorry. It hurts every time when I see the disappointment in your eyes. But you know, mum: I don’t want my life to be miserable. I will not marry a man, no matter what you think. My entire life you have told me that I need to be gentle, pretty, have long hair, and, up until 17, I did exactly as you wanted. But then I grew up... Now I know what I want. Please, forgive me for having the capacity to love, and for all the problems that this will cause you in the long run. Don’t tell dad, he will never understand. Forgive me.
Hi mum. You know, at first glance it might seem like I’m doing well: I have a roof over my head, plenty of food, and new clothes. I work a lot. I am also dating Alfaraby. He is just wonderful. It’s a shame you can’t meet him. Yesterday his mum attended his performance. I am so proud of him. His bravery and determination inspire me. To be perfectly honest, I envy him. You and I were never particularly close, were we? You were never there, you’ve never supported me, even to this day...
You aren’t here now, and I don’t really care: you never could find the right words anyway, simply hurting me and making me feel even worse than I already did. I will never forgive you for calling me “nature’s mistake”, but even more so the fact that you deny ever saying it.
But such things are impossible to forget, and besides, what would be the point in making up such a story? And this situation is not unique: many LGBTQ+ people are hurt by their parents, but that does not make you any less guilty. You are used to having me as your scapegoat, blaming me for all of your troubles. But each person controls their own life, and by the age of 50 you should’ve already known that the real source of your issues are your own actions. And so I will never forgive you for blaming me. For the things that you’ve told me and the accusations you’ve thrown at me. I can’t forgive you for not being there for me, for leaving me alone. For never taking any responsibility. I never needed you. I needed a very different mother, one which would deserve a letter such as this:
“Hello, dear mummy! I miss you so much. Guess what, yesterday my Alishka’s mum came to see him perform. I am so happy for him! Too bad you and dad can’t come to see our performance yet. I am waiting for you to come to town, and I cannot wait to see you and hug you both.
Please take good care of grandma and come visit me as soon as possible. Say hi to Serezha, Lyuda, uncle Igor, and aunt Sveta for me. I miss you all terribly. I am wondering if Dad remembers Fenya. She was so beautiful, running around and barking all the time. I am also wondering how Grey is doing. I should call grandma and ask her. He must ‘ve grown really big by now. Also, can you ask dad how our house is doing? I remember how when Sonya, Andrew, and I were little, we used to watch horror movies in the room that we set up.
I really miss grandpa. I remember how he used to tell us all about bees while we were picking apples next to the house. But I especially want to wake up in grandma’s house once again, but this time, bring Ali with me. I’d wake up in his arms and then we’d head downstairs to the kitchen that smells of grandma’s freshly baked pancakes, which, to be honest, always turned out a bit sour (ha-ha).
Anyway, I miss you all. How is Katya doing? What is she up to? I’m sad that she doesn’t text me at all. We have so many interesting things going on, it is a shame you and Dad aren’t here. It is all right though, I’m sure you will visit soon and we will take a walk through the city. I know you will like Almaty. Hug Otik for me, and say hi to everyone from me. Sending you hugs and kisses, I love and miss you. Take care of yourselves, and someday we will take a vacation to Brest, and we will take my dear Alishka with us.
My darlings, I love you with all my heart and I am grateful to have you in my life!”
For now though, thanks for having been a part of my life. I am not sure if I would have been better off without you, but I doubt it would be much worse. We have never had a real family, only your sick delusions. Thanks for everything, from now on you will have to go on without me. Good luck.
Hi, mum. I want to thank you for your courage, strength, and acceptance, even if it’s not complete.
Your daughter and son turned out to be a part of LGBTQ+ community, and many other unfortunate things happened to you, including a failed marriage and your mother’s death. It is said that as long as our parents are alive, we are still children. I am sorry that you can no longer feel like a child. I hope that I will be able to feel like one for many years to come.
My illness was the first of your many misfortunes, but it wasn’t your fault. Nevertheless, you had to give up almost 15 years of your life to take care of me. We have been through so many sleepless and painful nights together. I am still afraid they might somehow return.
You have been asking me about my sexuality ever since I was little, because you had your fears and suspicions. You kept asking until I came out when I was 20. I told you I was bisexual. I also told you about being a cross-dressing performer and that I have dated those who you have thought to be my best friends.
It felt strange to you. Why would my best friends sometimes just disappear and cut ties with me all of a sudden? It was strange to me as well. Not being able to ask you for help after my first heartbreak felt devastating.
Everything is well now. Almost everything. I am just happy that you are there for me. And that the person I love is by my side. You think he is just a nice guy, but for me, he represents the support that I have always needed.
Thanks for everything that you do for me each day, mum. I love you.
